Life Rant: My Hatred for Workouts

I ate nonstop over Thanksgiving. Non. Stop. I even went to bed with a bowl of leftover stuffing. Ok, I didn’t, but I thought about it. So, when Black Friday rolled around and I saw a discount for a new boxing gym in my town, I decided to go for it. I scheduled my first workout at 9Round on that Monday and actually enjoyed it.

I told my coworkers that I bamboozled myself into a new gym membership, but I was mostly ok with it since it was boxing. This marks my third boxing gym membership. Maybe this one will stick. One coworker asked me why I liked boxing and my response surprised me. I told her without a second thought, “Because boxing is the only workout that doesn’t piss me off.” God bless my coworkers, they gave a little laugh and didn’t call me out for my usual negative attitude.

Driving home from my second workout today (I may or may not have gone mannequin when the instructors weren’t looking), I started to think about all my other failed workout attempts and why I really did hate them.

1. Yoga

It’s been years since my first and only attempt, but my disdain feels fresh . I hated holding positions. DULL! I hated remembering what position I’m supposed to do next. HARD! I hated that I couldn’t react to the qweef I heard. FRUSTRATING! I hated that I could see the guy’s balls in front of me as he downward dogged it. GROSS! It is perhaps the most dreaded of all the workout I’ve tried. To be fair, I hate fitness in general, so it takes a lot to make me happy while I’m sweating.

2. Any Dancing Class

If there were levels of white girl uncoordinated, I would rank someone between Betty White and Kristen Stewart. My inability to grapevine and shimmy makes me feel like less of a woman, so I naturally hate the woman teaching the class and vow to never return.

3. Spin Class

Remembering this experience immediately makes my face look like this…

sour-face

I did a spin class for charity and hobbled away wishing I would have just donated $100. When the instructor told us to stand while peddling, I refused. When she pointed me out and yelled “Up!” I shouted back, “No!” She eventually gave up on me as I kept my ass glued to that seat.

The pain in my pelvic region lasted for a week and I cried every time I had to wipe my nether region. The only plus was that it was so damn hard that I didn’t realize the long-term nerve damage I was causing to my precious privates at the time.

4. Running

Ok, not a workout class, but so many people love running that hating it makes me feel like a freak. I’ve tried summoning my inner runner lots of times and it always ends the same: Hatred. I hate how repetitive it is. The same movement over and over, which allows for your brain to think about the grocery shopping you have to do, the work you have waiting at the office, the dogs you have to bathe, the bushes you have to trim, the laundry you have to fold…you get the idea. Not a great workout for those who don’t know how to tune out and conquer the moment.

So, thank you boxing gyms. Thank you for offering fitness classes that allow me to punch and kick out years of pent up hatred for other workouts. Thank you for making it complicated enough that I don’t think about the last time I’ve changed my sheets, but not too complicated that I develop a self-esteem issue. If you haven’t tried a boxing gym, I recommend it, especially 9Round. I swear, I didn’t get a discount on my membership to say that. Hmm, maybe I should ask.

What workout tops your shit list?

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